How to know you are having the wrong conversation
Do you find yourself having the same conversation again and again?
In my work with Middle and Senior leaders in the BETTER Conversations Program, I find this frustration shared across all groups.
Repetitive and reactive conversations are a symptom of conversations based on these three habits.
Our stories are centred around how we feel, and we present those feelings as facts.
We play the blame game or attribute our feelings to others. "you made me so mad…"
We use labels to shortcut the story. "she doesn't like me" or "He always does that".
We all do it; it's the social norm of linguistic patterns we grew up with.
Here is why it happens.
"In the absence of data, we will always make up stories. It's how we are wired. Meaning-making is in our biology, and when we're in struggle, our default is often to come up with a story that makes sense of what's happening and gives our brain information on how best to self-protect. - Brown, Brené. Dare to Lead
Let's have a look at this through Jordan's experience
Jordan is a team leader who has taken over a new team that historically worked in silos, and she is looking to build a more collaborative culture in how they approach their work.
She has explained in team meetings why this transition is essential and what a more collaborative approach would entail. Yet, she is experiencing resistance from one key; influential team member Cloe, whose resistance shows up as a lack of contribution in team meetings. Jordan knows Cloe used to be a dominant voice in meetings before she joined the team.
Jordan has talked with Cloe about her lack of contribution in team meetings, but things have remained the same.
This is a high-stakes situation for Jordan. This team has been underperforming, and a crucial part of her appointment to the team leader's position is to improve team performance.
Jordan is worried about the impact Cloe's behaviour's having on the rest of the team and her ability to influence a more collaborative team culture.
Have you been in Jordan's position? Have you been Cloe, experiencing change with a new team leader? Is this relevant to some of your more tricky conversations?
Jordan has yet to have any success with her conversations with Cloe about contributing to team meetings. So how can Jordan locate the right conversation? And How does she create a mutual purpose? How does she get on the same page in her conversations with Cloe?
If you want to know the two things to consider when you find yourself in this situation, read my article:
How to know you are having the wrong conversation
Two things to consider that will make your tricky conversations more successful.
Here is to BETTER Conversations!
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